I went shopping today for some new clothes. I was really tired of my uniform of “whatever is clean and fits.” which is usually a black skull or knitting tee shirt layered over a thermal, with a hippy wrap skirt that’s seen way better days. The reason for the skirt is, none of my jeans fit. None of my pants fit. Nothing fit, which is what happens when you gain some weight and don’t go shopping for over a year.
Generally, clothing = a whole self esteem in the toilet mindfuck for me, lately. And that’s hell to contend with on so many levels.
This morning, #1 Daughter declared herself sick of the whining, and said we were going to Ross. I love Ross. I can never find anything there, but I love the idea of it. I love department store brands at clearance prices. I said ok, and off we went.
I’m trying to put my thoughts together about it, because I had quite a lot of them during this shopping experience. The overwhelming theme seemed to be that I had a lot more success at finding clothing I liked when I stopped trying to find the “alternative” looking stuff and just looked for clothes that fit. Am I still me if I’m wearing things without skulls on them? That’s not a stupid question, I mean, I really had to think about it for a minute. It was truly a crisis of identity. I cherish my gothy, counterculture image. There was some wrestling with that one as the day wore on.
Usually shopping is pretty fraught for me because I never know what to look for, or how to dress my shape. It’s always freaking torturous. I’d really rather be racked over coals than endure a day of shopping. Shockingly, today was happy and low stress.
I have to confess, I’ve been watching a hell of a lot of What Not To Wear lately. It’s my favorite guilty pleasure and knitting viewing. They talk a lot about body shape and how to dress what you have. I’ve learned a lot about what clothing cuts and styles to avoid, but also to seek out. Surprisingly, reality television made my shopping trip to Ross a lot easier. Gee thanks, Stacy and Clinton! I felt like I knew sort of what to gravitate towards!
Dealing with myself in the mirror is always difficult, I won’t lie, but it was really alleviated by walking out with several outfits that made me feel confident and well put together. Perhaps it was also made easier by just getting over it. There was a point where I was looking at myself in the mirror and I had to just say, “Yep, I am a larger woman.” The surprising thing is, I’m sort of fine with that. I realized that I have a mental overlay of myself as a waifish size 8. Believe it or not, I was 120 lbs when I moved to LA. I still had the mental image of myself as that person inside. As if that was my structure, with a fat suit overlaying it. Just throwing up that white flag and shopping for clothing that fits my body as it is, not as it was, that was really powerful and positive.
And on the alternative thing? Maybe there’s an age where you begin to wear yourself a little more on the inside, because you just are who you are, and it’s not what you wear that necessarily proclaims it. They’re just clothes. It isn’t high school where we fling ourselves into insular little tribes in self defense, where everything important about who I am has to be transmitted via the skulls on my jacket. Maybe I don’t need to cling so hard to symbols that are, for me, possibly a little bit outdated. Maybe the armor I put on, the face I present (because that is essentially what clothing is, beyond “not being naked”) can change. Everything else has, after all. Not saying I’m about to become miss Suzy Conventional? That will probably never happen. But my options sure did open up today.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. You realize that your entire system of symbols has changed while you weren’t looking and you need to reassess what is important.
This is a good place. I’m pretty happy about my new clothes and I like my body in them. I could do some yoga with this body, as it is, just for the sake of the yoga and not to lose my fat suit which has always made doing yoga completely unfun and daunting. What if I failed and never lost the fat suit? You know? Terrifying. Well, yeah, ok fine. That would be ok. I’m comfortable with that.
I don’t need to perfect me or fix me. I can just be me.
And me? I feel pretty spiffy. I have new ballerina style red shoes, y’all. And pants that totally fit.
SING IT SISTAH!!! Right on. Power to the People.
I’m in the same place. It’s all good. Eat cookies and dress your fine self.
xoxo
Congratulations on finding pants that fit – a minor miracle!
Next time, may I go shopping with you? I have so many of the same issues, and I’m so happy to read about how you got past them!
Sometimes, when I put on one of the few **professional** outfits I have, people are way surprised when I turn out to be the unrepentant hippie I have always been. Maybe it’s a good thing for others (as well as oneself) to stop assuming that clothes make the woman!
(Note : this sentiment does not apply to cutting my hair.)
I have been wrestling with my size 8 image and my almost size 10 actual body all year. I need to do the yoga, not for the weight loss so much as the energy and such, but the weight loss comes. But even though I eat low carb (6 years) I seem to have a point my body stays at unless I do something drastic. Drastic is beyond my pay grade at the moment. Do I have “my” body at 45 now? Is that okay? Wrestling…OTOH, I know I need to get some exercise. I did find perfect pants last summer at an outlet mall and bought two different colors.
There’s a huge thrift store here where I went to get some stuff for my Halloween costume (Rachel Maddow) and the rather loose fitting jeans I bought for $1.50 have turned out to be my absolute favorite pants. I may have to go back there…
your post has given me lots to think about today. i’m a lot like you – or was I guess – wearing skulls and proclaiming myself on the outside. I always will though, with the tattoos and all, but as I get older (48 now) it does color how I buy my clothes. I dressed vintage/vintage goth for years, until i got too fat to buy that kind of clothing and gave up on myself. Now that I have myself back, I have a new rule – vintage or vintage/classic so i can wear it for years. Maybe What Not To Wear has rubbed off on me too – I’d rather buy good and classic than cheap and trendy (though I love ross and marshalls for classic pieces). I’m not ready to give up my piercings and obviously can’t give up my ink, so eccentric middle age, here I am.
I don’t know if this comment even means anything, I just wanted to say hi, i can relate (and ramble apparently).
Inky, I had a really funny moment in the dressing room where I was staring at my body in the mirror and realized that (like you) the ink kind of blazons who I am “out loud” anyway. And then I kinda thought, well, I’d like more ink! Eccentric middle age, indeed. I’m all for it. I’m not ready and probably never WILL be ready to NOT be eccentric. I think I’m just shifting how I express it in some small but important ways.
Btw, I like the vintage/vintage goth look. I think you really rock the pinup girl thing. I’ve been thinking about leaning that way, at least for dresses/dress up, myself. It’s a little more age appropriate for me, and body flattering, than a latex pencil skirt and rubber corset.
I think the important stuff isn’t THE style you choose, it’s the maturing and accepting of who you are now. That, yes, as we get older, our bodies change (sometimes not the way we’d like, but if we have our health and can still do things – tote our own groceries, hike down a trail, hang drapes, do a Sun Salutation – THAT’s what’s really important). Styles change, and our likes and dislikes change. If a TV show gave you guidance, I say “more power to you.” (At least it’s a positive thing…so much on TV isn’t.)
I’m so glad the day went well, and gave you food for thought, too! And you didn’t have your teeth gritted through it all, thinking “it’s another d**n growth experience!” I know how painful that can be…
And oh, yeah, hon, the yoga? It’s divine all on it’s own…
*wink*
(((hugs)))