Posts Tagged ‘cats are jerks’

Some of you may remember that we’ve been having some ongoing issues with keeping our cat Bug in the house when it’s summer and the sliding glass doors are open.

When we moved in to Spacious Green Acres, we made sure that we had a screen door that latched very securely, so that the cat could not get out or slide it open.

The saga continues

I’m happy to report that the door totally works. The cat can not, in fact, slide the door open.


That went well.

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My sofa.


My recliner.


My car.


Ok. Fine. You win that one. But do you deny, sir, that the other day when you and Ollie were wrestling in the kitchen, the both of you went THROUGH the screen door like you were Jet Li and Jackie Chan in a Hong Kong action thriller?


Mmmm hmmm. I thought so.



Do you further deny that later that day, you ripped out the mended screen door and escaped for an extended romp through the mountain lion infested forest?


Or that you then peed on the sofa?

You know. The one currently covered with duct tape.


Mmmm hmmm. You, sir, are the reason why we can’t have nice things.

Fortunately for me, I live with a grip (translation for non movie folks – grips hang lights and big screens and make complex “riggings” for those things at work. And at home, when you have a problem, they come up with solutions that usually involve zip ties, duct tape, scrap wood from set flats and other improbable but effective items). Aaaaand, he happened to come home this weekend. Aaaaaand he just happened to be sitting nearby when Bonnie shoved her head through the screen/duct tape seam, and got herself stuck, half in and half out.


Ten minutes later, the red duct tape was gone, and this had taken its place.


It’s like, things in my life covered in duct tape but kind of tidy looking and also more effective than the entire half roll of red duct tape I’d plastered all over the screen last week.

Thank you, honey.

In closing, I would just like to state that cats will destroy everything you love. Especially if it’s your grownup couch, which is the first piece of furniture you didn’t get off the side of the road on trash day in West Hollywood, but actually bought new.

And your $95 grown up screen door that you bought at Home Depot because you’re an adult now and grownups buy things like doors.

Cats are basically jerks.

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This morning, I discovered that, at some point during our Big, Fat, Cross-State, Prohibitively Expensive, During-A-Forest-Fire, Evacuated, Three Weeks in Storage, Move (With Five Cats) that  one of the fellows who helped us accidentally backed our rented moving truck into a fire hydrant.

Over the fire hydrant.

Breaking. The. Fire. Hydrant.

And then he drove away from the scene.

You’ll keep in mind that the move was six months ago.

Obviously, the boys neglected to mention it.

Until now. And only because the insurance company finally caught up with them, via my email address. Whoops!

I think we officially WIN at moving.

A few hours later…


What? Ok, wait. What happened here?


Ah. I see it now.


Everything is explained.

Fortunately, my man is a master fixer upper.


Daddy always said there were only two things you needed in this world. Duct tape and WD40.


I rest my case.

After stuffing as many feathers back into the sofa as I could, I took the slipcover out to the yard to shake it out. Sadly, I did not take account of the wind or in which direction it happened to be blowing. We watched the feathers blow past our living room window and into the neighbor’s yard.

The yard that our neighbor had just finished raking.

Actually, we watched the feathers drift past the neighbor who was still holding the rake. Also watching the feathers. Looking perplexed.

I guess everyone is having a bad case of the Mondays.

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