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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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Has it been over a year since I wrote a blog here? Holy cow, it has. What happened???

So much has happened.

I think for purposes of this blog, it’s safe to say that primarily a crippling depression happened. That seems to happen every few years. By now I’ve learned that it always goes away, one day the sun comes out again, but it can be hard while I’m in the middle of it. I’ve been doing a lot of emotional and energetic healing. 

I decided to take a year off of the Faire and festival circuit. My last show was Thanksgiving weekend. I came home from that, unloaded the boxes into my garage, cried, and shut the door on my studio for 6 months. Literally. I sat at the bench and worked on a piece of jewelry for the first time since before Thanksgiving, yesterday.

It felt good.

I’m clearing out a backlog of repairs and overdue club packages – sorry about that. It happened. I have no excuses. I’m working on getting it all cleaned up.

I have no excuses but did I mention the crippling depression, anxiety, and a complete shut-down of pretty much everything that makes my life feel happy and worth living? It’s been going on since before we moved down off the mountain, but the last 6 months have been particularly bad. Like walking through fog and quicksand. We decided that this whole Northern California experiment was going tits up in a bad way. I can’t live 300 miles away from my partner ⅔ of the time and he has to work where the movies are.  Captain Sexypants and I had a come to Jesus chat and it was unanimously decided that we will be relocating back down to Los Angeles this summer. I’m so relieved I can’t even tell you. That was the first lifting I’ve felt in months.

It’s hard to blog when you have brain fog and feel shrouded in sadness. I could really only focus on one thing at a time and I couldn’t maintain here and build my doula business at the same time. Did I mention, I became a birth and postpartum doula earlier this year? I did! I love it. But it has been taking up what little available brain space I’ve got, that’s for sure.

My hope is that I will be able to more gracefully balance the two loves of my life – birth and art – going forward. I won’t be taking on much by way of shows on the traveling circuit for the remainder of 2016 OR in 2017. I’ll keep you posted, there are a couple of shows I might try to do but it’s hard to travel when you’re on call for babies! I’ll be keeping the online shop open though, whether we’re on the road or not. New stuff soon, I hope! 

I missed blogging here. I missed making jewelry. I miss making art.

I missed being myself, here, and I missed having a space where I could write freely without keeping it topical and focused on one thing all the time. Not that I ever LOST this space, I just couldn’t bring myself to use it for a while. 

Feeling a little better, now.

I have a lot to catch everyone up on, and not all of it is sad. Dust off the page, take the sheets off the couch, because I’m home.

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The huge horrible task of taking our very overgrown and wild yard down to bare earth and creating a fire-safe zone around the cabin is done. The last of the bags of detritus went off to the slash pile this morning. Oh there’s a spot here or there, I suppose, but for the most part we are ready to settle into some kind of routine maintenance.

Of course now that I say that, I think, “Oh but we have to put in pavers by the front walk and I wanted to lay down pea gravel on the parking berm and… and… and…” and the Captain looks at me dubiously, knowing that the list of things that start with, “Honey Please Help Me Do This…” is growing. And not that I blame him, you know. There is reading to be doing. Always. Pea gravel and pavers can butt into book time if you let them. The trick is not to let them.

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We are in the process of demoing our back deck, which was rotten and squishy.  A little disconcerting to look out the back door and see an 8 foot drop. The cats keep running over and meowing anxiously at the window. “Hey guys? Uh. I hate to tell you this but, someone stole our deck.” Like the little plastic castle, it seems to be a surprise every time.

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I have big plans for spring. New bird feeders and some bird baths, a stone path to the creek, and perhaps a little bridge up the daffodil hill where the fire pit lives. I am slowly creating what amounts to bird nirvana in our yard.

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My birds are a source of unending delight. I will miss them when they move south for the worst of the winter.

 

The pace here is slower and quieter, but richer somehow.

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There is more room for thinking and less noise to keep you from it. I feel like we are just now starting to get into tune with it and soon winter will be here just when I am starting to adjust to autumn.

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As the year gets darker, I am grateful for the act of building the morning fire, of stacking the firewood,  and cooking dinner with the Captain… that rhythm is kind of like a heartbeat. The cats do their part, making sure I am laughing.

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Living is different here. I like it. The other day was cold, so I put on my warm coat when I went out. I felt so grateful to have it, so grateful for the simple feeling of being warm. At some point I just started taking things like that for granted. There is a lot of gratitude. Not the deliberate practice of coming up with a list each day, just the sense of thankfulness that comes because you are genuinely glad that something is real or true or exists in your world. Small things, big things, things you can’t touch… I swim in it daily.

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Darkness, messy yard, and all.

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